Darkness and Ashes

Beauty or Ugliness?

Since my last post life has been a series of days spent living with the loss of my soul garden. All around me the natural world continued to flourish prolifically as I lay in my bed unable to show the least enthusiasm. I was literally prostrated by my inability to change what had happened. Foolishly, I expended a large amount of energy contemplating how to reverse away from the scene, to rewind, to avert my gaze. Such destruction, such ugliness evoked pain & disbelief. My prayers turned to dust in my mouth. Finally I understood; I had no choice but to accept what I felt. This experience of my inner desert, the grittiness of the ashes, the veil of darkness; this was as valid as any other experience. It is a hollowing out; a decimation, yes, and a creation of space felt, at first, like a dark and frightening void.  Slowly, the veil lifted the tiniest bit, allowing me to recognise that facing the ugliness, embracing the ashes was the only option. As I accepted that necessity my body and mind began to relax and I was able to appreciate the quiet spaciousness.  No beauty was present and yet in the letting go there was a welcome peace. I began to imagine the possibilities of a new creation. As I relaxed more into this new beginning I began to wonder what was happening in the outside world. Today I have been back in my garden; after seven days absence I found so much inspiration and once again experienced the joy of being part of the world, in all its beauty and ugliness.

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